|
It finally happened!
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> A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
> something
> exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
> The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class
> and
> with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then
> sat
> back down.
> Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
> "It's a period," said the little boy.
> "Well, I can see that." she said, "but what is so exciting about a
> period?"
> "Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was
>
> missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door
> shot
> himself."
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In the Restaurant
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor's.
She says, 'Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table.'
The doctor says, 'I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.'
'Naah...' she says, 'that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway.'
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Are You Addicted To Chat?
Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL"
You tell your family to get an account so "we can talk more"
You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer
You've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face
You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's
You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (spanish chat room) "just to work
on my Spanish"
You've ever typed "drinking on Chat is better than drinking alone"
You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail letting everyone know you are going to be away
You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it
You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
You have met over 100 Chat people
You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing
When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep
You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you are on-line again
You know more about your Chat friends daily routines than you do your own spouse's
You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
You have an identity crisis if someone else is using a nickname close to your own
You change nickname's so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are
You open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they have computers and cool nicknames
Your kids are standing at your side saying "mommy, please come cook dinner" and you would rather type another "LOL"
You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time
You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat
You write a letter like this..."dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well i gotta go bbl!"
You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists
You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy
You have withdrawals if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours
You use Chat lingo in everyday life (if you still have one)
You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling
Your buddy list has over 100 people on it
Your worst comeback to a bully is "I'll slap you with a rubber chicken."
You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee
You don't know where the time has gone
You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil
You get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead
You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo
When you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your nickname and I will TTYL"
You type faster than you think
You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted
You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your tv-screen at the end of a movie
You dream in text
Being called a newbie is a major insult
There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room and you are really bored....yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something
You think about starting a 12 step recovery group for Chat junkies
You are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL"
You go into withdrawals during dinner
You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
You stop speaking in full sentences
You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see who's on"
You meet people from Chat in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their nickname
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Different Type of Farts
THE ALARM FART
This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnatural high note and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong and will usually get you alarmed. If it happens to you you will know right away because of the nervous feeling you will have.
THE AMPLIFIED FART
This is any fart that gets is power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time as will a tin drum, a cardboard box etc. These are common farts under the right conditions.
THE ANTICIPATED FART
This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
THE BACK SEAT FART
This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?
THE BARRED OWL FART
A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.
THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD
Like the great bal eagle, this fart is pretty well described by its name this can either be a group one or two. This
fart is totally awe-inspiring. The first time I heard it was in a high school auditorium, right after the national anthem. After the fart the whole auditorium rose clapping.
THE BULLET FART
Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
THE COMMAND FART
This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.
THE COMMON FART
This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.
THE CROWD FART
The crowd fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people turn look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and makes a coughing noise, or looks up to the ceiling as if something up
there fascinates him. Very common in the supermarket.
THE CUSHIONED FART
A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may
escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART
Very simply any fart in church, temple, or any place of worship. For fart watchers who go to this is a must to watch for as this is the only place it can occur.
THE DUD FART
The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
THE ECHO FART
This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
THE ENGLISH FART
A very classy fart. The sound alone distinguishes it from all other farts. There are some who will say that this is a put-on accent, but that is silly. When it comes to farting goes around sounding like an Englishman. It happens or it doesnt. The sound it makes is a _THIP_. Sometimes it will go__THIP__THIP__. It is unmistakable. It is probably as proper and upper class as a fart can get.
THE EXCLAMATION FART
This is a punctuation fart. Timing is the whole thing. The farter, or someone, must be speaking. For instance the speaker will say "Ah shut up!" and then someone will fart a loud sharp fart. This is a true exclamation fart. If the speaker is also the farter he may delay it until just the right
moment them force it for all he's worth (usually causing an unwanted load in his pants). Rare.
THE EXECUTIVE FART
A very loud fart by a very important person is an executive fart. It is either sharp or flat, somewhat off key but otherwise a very business like fart. No nonsense about it! but no one is supposed to notice. Particularly the farter. If you do not laugh at the executive fart its either your afraid of the the person who farted or the fart was just to gross. Common with very important people
THE FRENCH FART
Said to be the most beautiful of farts. Usually in a minor key. Soft and musical with many half tones. Any long drawn out fart that seems beautiful to you is most likely a French Fart. Very Rare.
THE G AND L FART
This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
THE GHOST FART
A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a
fart.
THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART
This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same
time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.
THE JERK FART
The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
THE JOHN FART
The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
THE LEAD FART
The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
THE MALTED MILK BALL FART
Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works
this way. It is rare.
THE OH MY GOD FART
This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.
THE OMEN FART
This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
THE ORGANIC FART
Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
THE POO-POO FART
This is a fart by a very small kid. The kid farts and then says "go poo-poo now". And somebody takes him and he does.
THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART
You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening
to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
THE RELIEF FART
Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.
THE RELUCTANT FART
This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
THE RUSTY GATE FART
The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
THE S.B.D. FART
S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
THE SANDPAPER FART
This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it
automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
THE S'CUSE ME FART
This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted. It is about as close to words as a fart can get. The sound it makes is like a little soft whisper that says "S'cuse me." The most polite of all farts and very silly when you are alone.
THE SKILLSAW FART
A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
THE SONIC BOOM FART
The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is
supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
THE SPLATTER FART
Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER FART
This is one of the few farts that can bring tears to people's eyes and lumps to their throats and otherwise get
them all stirred up.
THE STUTTER FART
If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable
effort.
THE TACO BELL FART
The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.
THE TEFLON FART
Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.
THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART
Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you
get out of there.
THE TICKLE FART
A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.
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Rejected Condom Slogans
Cover that pumper before you jump her
Don't be silly, protect your Willie
Cover your stump before you hump
Learn the rule - protect your tool
It isn't no jive to protect her hive
No Protection? - Can't Use Your erection!
Encase that torch before you paint her porch
Tub that sub then rub her hub
The right selection, is to protect your erection
Holster your gun then shootings more fun
Cloak the joker before you poke her
Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
Cover your vein then drive her insane
Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
Cork your pump or you don't hump
Don't be a loner, cover your boner
Wrap your bate before you mate
Constrain your gem to catch the fem.
Stop the stream before you cream
Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
Sock that wanger before you bang her
Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
Restrain your log then plow her bog
Package your meat for a real neat treat
Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
Cover your limb before you swim
Bag the mole then do her hole
Can your worm before you squirm
Guard your bridge then do her ridge
Shroud your trout then make her shout
While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
Retain your bailer then impale her
Cover your meat before you give her a beat!
Glove your chimney before you come in me
You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
Cloak your hitter then go split her
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
To make her squirm like a turkey, cover your Jerky
Coat your pork before you make her squawk
If you really love her, wear a cover
Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
House your hose then curl her toes
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
Contain that leach then mash her peach
Wrap that spout then bore her out
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
Jail your number then call the plumber
Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
Wrap that rod then please her bod
No glove, no love
Protect your screw to catch that glue
Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
After detection cover your erection
If your nude, then tube your dude
Garnish your oak then give her a poke
Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
Especially in December, gift wrap your member
Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
If you slip between her thighs, condomize
Don't be a fool cover your tool
Contain that viper before you pipe her
Avoid a frown, contain your clown
Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
Hood that match then scratch that thatch
If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
It's not much money to catch your honey
Dress that erection to make a deflection
Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
Wrap that tool to catch the drool
A moment on her hips would be a lifetime of kids
Cover old Bart then dart that tart
Garage the tractor then attack her
Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
Smother your ham, then giev her a ram!
It's always funky to cage your monkey
It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
Cover your post then slice her roast
Cover your peter it will be much neater
Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
Contain that shanker before you spank her
Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
A crank with armor, will never harm her
Glove your pecker before you check her
When in doubt shroud your sprout
Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
Cover your stone before you bone
Conceal your train don't cause her pain
Constrain that head before you stick it in the shed
Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
Coat your wood, then do her good
Drawer your pip then split her lips
Canvas that trailer before you nail her
Cover old Pete then grind her meat
Cape your throbber before you bob her
Guard your peter before you meet her
She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
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We've seen your future...and it sucks!
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically, you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you, but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a funeral and/or make a pass at the widow - an uncaring opportunistic bastard. Someone to whom you owe money to is likely to beat the shit out of you this month. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. You will either end your days bitter and alone, having been betrayed by everyone you ever trusted, or your wife will murder you for the insurance and shack up with your brother. This month you will make a new friend who has the potential to be your longed for soul mate. However, your wife will seduce him, and both of them will laugh their asses off at you - while he drinks your beer in your bed.
GEMINI (May 21- June 21)
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply put, you're a manic-depressive schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo. The type of person who'd kill his/her own self to win a bet. This month, you are likely to be busy furthering a passionate carnal relationship with a latex sex toy. Either that, or your neighbors dog will develop a rabid fear of you and an aversion to the scent of Vaseline.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. In other words, an unscrupulous bastard who would sell his Mother's kidneys to make a few extra bucks. People generally detest you and they are absolutely correct in their estimation of you. The heavens suggest that you are likely to be murdered and your body disposed of in several trash cans. This will cause much joy and celebration in the lives of all who know you.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, a dumb fuck without even the common sense of a carrot. You will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare. People don't really think it's funny receiving photocopies of your hairy ass, but you're the type of asshole who thinks it's hilarious. This is a good week to do yourself and everyone else a favor: hang yourself.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)>
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them, but you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually homosexual and the majority of Virgo women are whores. This week is a good time to start that masturbating marathon you want to record on your web cam. An older loved one may be having problems and require your support. Therefore, you should avoid older loved one's for the remainder of this month.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you a doormat for every pathological fuck-up on this side of the Missouri. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral. This month a stranger will borrow your car and tell you straight out he has no intention of returning it. As usual, you are likely to smile and say, "You're welcome."
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However, those are your only good points. You have an insatiable curiosity and a strong desire to try new things, probably because your life is a shit hole in the middle of nowhere - a one-horse-town with no horse. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet or try bungee jumping with the cord tied around your neck. Your romance life is not looking good either. You should dump your girlfriend before she dumps you later in the month.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to be addicted to fetish pornography and import German sex toys. Purchasing that packet of condoms shows that you're foolishly optimistic about your chances of a romp in the sack this month. You seriously need to consider mail-ordering a bride from some impoverished country in Eastern Europe.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet, reflective type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best (and only) friend is probably your mother. It's a great month for adventure. The sky is the limit, so get ahead and do all the crazy things you always wanted to do. Of course, you won't enjoy any of it and all of your ambitions are likely to end in failure and bitter disillusionment, but don't let that stop you - it will give you plenty more things to brood 'reflectively' about.
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. In short, you have no grasp of reality and live in a complete fantasy world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. This month is not a good time to start a new relationship. If you do, you are likely to have your first experience of transsexual sex while in a drugged condition. Watch out for the safety of your things if you are in public places. Avoid a double-crossing Libran.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are a cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch and an absolute pervert, at the very least, a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights. This is a good month to give your sister back her panties before she discovers the theft and confronts you about it in front of your friends.
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A Guide To Picking Your Nose
It's a filthy habit, and here is your complete guide to it!
Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.
Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equaled by winning the lottery.
Depression Pick
When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.
Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.
Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!
Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back
the smile.
Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....
Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.
Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%
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Signs That You're Having A Bad Day
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a
grapefruit down the toilet.
You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.
You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night ...and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.
You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out
tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.
You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.
Airline food starts to taste good.
Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a Chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate...and you live in Arizona.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you.
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
People think you are 40...and you really are.
You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.
Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you remember that you were home by yourself.
Every person you ask for job leads says "I wish I had some job leads".
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Fellow co-workers talk seriously about jobs at K-Mart.
Talking causes the newly formed zits around your mouth to pop.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
The hunk you've been attracted to at the office
The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
There is a '60 Minutes' crew at your office door.
You accidentally wash your hair with "Nair".
You buy your very first snazzy Italian sports car, only to discover that your bucket is much bigger than the seat bucket.
You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
You call your husband and tell him that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home, there's a sandwich on the front porch.
You complement your boss' wife on her patterned stockings and find out that she's not wearing stockings.
You discover that your deodorant is giving you bad breath.
You do not have any money when the representative comes to your house selling Mafia cookies.
You find a completely empty parking lot when you get to work at 9:00 a.m.
You find your boss, two higher levels of management, and a security guard waiting for you when you get in.
You find your office door has disappeared since last night.
You get a paper cut from a get-well card.
You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bellhop, and manager have a "welcome back" party for your new spouse.
You go to a costume ball as a bubble dancer and find out your date is going as a porcupine.
You go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You go up into the attic and read your spouse's love letters, and notice that they're all dated last week.
You hand a bank teller an envelope and when she asks "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
You have an asthma attack on the way to work, and you confuse your inhaler with your Mace.
You look out the window of the airplane and Goodyear blimp is gaining on you.
You notice dandruff ... on your umbrella.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You put on your underarm deodorant and it turns out to be your dog's flea and tick spray.
You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
You really do look like your driver's license picture.
You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the gas and electric company.
You spend the whole day preparing exotic French dishes for dinner, only to have your husband pour ketchup all over it.
You think your toothpaste tastes funny, and upon closer examination find out that it's Preparation-H.
You turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You wake up face down on the sidewalk.
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and scratched knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. And last night was the company Christmas party.
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke; then you remember that you don't have a waterbed.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your panty hose.
You wear a slinky designer peek-a-boo dress to a party, and get more boos than peeks.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.
Your boss tells you to not bother taking off your coat.
Your ex's lawyer calls.
Your four-year-old tells you that it is almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
Your mother-in-law tries to commit suicide, claiming that your rejection of her made her do it, but she fails in the attempt, only to run up a huge gas bill and demolish the entire kitchen.
Your new lover calls to tell you that "last night was terrific" and you remember that you were home by yourself.
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